


Love Is a Game of No Winner

by Mahz



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Awkward Bucky, Depression, Grief, Heartbroken Sam Wilson, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Natasha Romanov, M/M, Natasha Lives, One sided Steve Rogers/James "Bucky" Barnes - Freeform, PSTD, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Riley/Sam Wilson, Riley's canon death, Sad Boys Falling in Love, Self hating Bucky hurt by his 40s ideas of what he should be, Selfconcious Bucky, clint died, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 01:16:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19757614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mahz/pseuds/Mahz
Summary: Love is a game. Most games have two players. But theses parties are waiting for a player who's not here anymore to step aside.Sam can't get over Riley's death and refuse to let himself be happy.Bucky found Steve again only to realize their relationship was burried the day he felt from that train.





	1. I forgot how to play

Sam stood alone in the mist of the early morning; the sun has not yet shined but it would be a beautiful day. One filled with blue sky and sunshine, the sort he used to love so much. He had spent the night right here, standing still, waiting for a miracle. Sam had not prayed a single time in his life until tonight. He didn’t really know what he prayed for anyway, it simply felt needed. 

Realisation didn’t hit him at once, it crept slowly under his skin during the night. Slipping under his skin like the cold of the hand he was holding. He looked once more at this seemingly peaceful face, he cleaned it up himself, had barely let anyone touch him. No one had the right to touch him. Because it was his Riley. His friend. His lover. His fiancé. His whole world reduced to ashes in front of his eyes.

Oh, how he wanted to die right now, just close his eyes and find Riley again. He knew the rules; they should never have had a relationship from the beginning. Because when one dies, you lose both. Sam knew but he never believed. Except at the moment the only living thing was the vivid memory of Riley. They had spent the night whispering about their wedding plan, when they would go home. One last mission. They had one last mission. Terminate Kadil Khandil, go home, get married. 

No, Sam didn’t realize at once that he had lost everything. He couldn’t even bring himself to let go of Riley’s hand. The whole scene was a blur in his mind. The helicopter couldn’t come this close, so it was just him and Riley. They managed to destroy the base, but as they got out… Riley fell. And Sam was caught by his unit. They tried to hold him down. Eventually they had to sedate him. Because if Riley fell, you could be sure of one thing, Sam would try everything to fall with him. His unit knew that, hence why he didn’t hate them right now even though he knew he would never talk to them again. 

Yes, they saved his life, but he had died anyway the second his angel hit the ground. He passed his hand in Riley’s hair, petting him like they did at night. Maybe he’ll even open his eyes if Sam prayed hard enough. But the sun rose up slowly, and Riley didn’t move, his ice-cold hand still held by his fiancé. He bended as much as his tired muscles allowed and kissed it, hoping it would share a bit of warmth to it. 

He couldn’t comprehend what was happening, he nonetheless saw the 58th come to their tent. Each of them gave him their condolences, which didn’t make the situation any realer to him. One of them held Sam by the shoulders, words had no meaning, nothing had sense. They pulled Riley up, to get him in his casket. The second their hand parted Sam collapsed to his knees, he couldn’t hear his own yell of pain, his sobbing choking him as he whispered Riley’s name like a mantra.


	2. I never asked to play alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long waiting i had to deal with personnal stuff

Sam awoke to his mother's voice coming from downstairs. He took in the sight of his old bedroom, nothing had moved. The same pale blue wallpaper covered with posters. The tiny planes replicas dangling from the ceiling. As he stretched he even smiled sadly at a plushie someone had tucked him with. 

A bear with a retro costume and a black mask. A Bucky Bear. Sam had loved Captain America like every kid did in the country. Yet growing up he found more enticed with his sidekick. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. He even spent hours in the memorial museum to stare at the piercing blue grey eyes and the strong jaw. 

Riley had blue eyes too. Sam balled his eyes with his hands as he slowly sat on his bed, the poor thing creaking under the weight. As he looked out the window and met the sight of his childhood neighbourhood Sam decided to go for a run. 

He prepared himself and quietly kissed the cheeks of Sarah, and of his mother. He even high fived his nephew to prove he was the coolest uncle ever. He wouldn't let his family see him break. He sat in the stairs to tie his shoes and downed a fruit juice glass Sarah threatened to _make_ him drink before he left.

At first he planned to run around the neighbourhood. But the idea of seeing their house, of being there without Riley. He couldn't. Not yet. So he went for the Lincoln Memorial.

It helped. If only a bit, to see life was going on. Sam didn't wanted to die, but he had lost his will to live, to exist. He just let himself be. Running. . .running gave him control. As small as it was, it emptied his mind and there was no more place for sorrow, for grief, there was nothing but the water and the sky fading from early morning pink to bright blue. 

When his lungs threatened to give up he sat on a bench, panting harshly. His mind still emptied. It felt nice. To be able to let go. 

-Wilson?

Sam didn't wanted to raise his head and look around not knowing who had talked but he did. A man in his thirties waved at him, a tanned man in a wheelchair. The bright smile the man gave him with that missing teeth in the front. It was Anders, from the 58th. 

He had refused to talk, to listen or to see anyone from their division after Riley's funerals. But it's been. . . Eight months now. And he was feeling lonely and misunderstood. 

-Anders! Didn't recognized you, pal. How are you?

-Well, I used to be taller. 

Sam choked on his water bottle at the pun the other veteran had made. 

\- You know. . . I miss seeing your dumb face. You could come eat dinner with us one night. Adeline would love to have you. Said something about you having manners or being polite, the usual nonsense. 

Sam laughed. Genuine, guilt-free laugh. 

\- Though, if you'd rather talk with people who know their shit. . .

Sam snorted. 

\- I know, the veteran group therapy. That's bullshit, Anders. 

The other man shrugged.

\- You should try it anyway. It's better than doing nothing.

Sam had promised himself not to overthink it. Yet here he was, in his childhood bedroom bare ass and thirty minutes late because he had no idea what to wear. 

A costume? No. Too much.

Sweatshirt and jeans? Why not, if he had any sweatshirt, but they all belonged to Riley. 

A short sleeved shirt with cargo pants?

No. Sam was definitely not ready for social interaction. He was ready to call Anders and cancel when he heard a knock on the door. He slid in a pair of pants and opened the door to his sister. 

She had braided her hair with Pearl's and she wore a nice dress with a pair of matching pearl color. In her hands she held a folded blue polo shirt with a red ribbon around it. 

\- I am going out with friends later this afternoon. If you want I can go to the group talk with you. And. . . This was your birthday's present but you were gone so, here it is. 

Sam smiled slightly and kissed her cheek. 

\- Thanks big sis, but I'm not ready to share it with you. Maybe with stranger it'll help.

-I hope so. You deserve it, Sam.


	3. And You never even play did you?

Bucky. Bucky. Bucky. He thought it was okay at first. That he would endure it. That he could burry his feelings deep down. He had to after all. 

What would he say if he knew? The taller man looked at his tiny, skinny blonde friends. Steven was fragile, soft and kind. He was a cinnamon roll, he had done nothing to deal with a . . . Freak like Bucky. 

That too, belonged to Steve. Everyone started calling him that, but it was Steve who started it. Just like everything the blonde wanted, Bucky approved. Because he knew, of the weight the things he couldn't do Steve carried. 

He wanted to protect his country. His people, everyone, anyone. But he was a soft hearted twig and the army wanted brainless muscles. He had thought it through, over and over. If Steve couldn't, he would. 

James Buchanan Barnes enlisted the week he turned eighteen. That's what Steve would have done. He had no desire to kill, to spill blood, or to conquer. He wanted to fight for peace and freedom. So that's what Bucky would do. 

As they walked through the forum, the girls enjoying their evening, Bucky found himself looking at the stars, a bit lost. Neither he nor Steven would be needed by the ladies anyway. 

-When are you leaving? 

Bucky chewed on his lips, he had not told Steve exactly when he would get to the front in France. Because it had soon too soon. Too close. Tomorrow.

So he told him. And Steve's smile melted like ice in the summer sun. Bucky swallowed harshly. He couldn't say it. He shouldn't. Because that was just so wrong. 

He was leaving for war. If he died. . .if he went to. . .hell because. . . No. James shook his head. If he didn't acted, maybe it won't be as wrong. Yet the idea of dying on a battlefield so far from his small man, it hurt.

-Steve. 

The blonde faced him expectantly.

-I. . . 

But the blonde was already holding back tears.

\- I wish I could go. It's not fair. I wanted to fight, to come back and make mom proud. To be filled with respect from the others for once. 

-The only thing you're full of is asthma. 

Steve didn't laugh but he smiled.

-Exactly. I wish I could do something more Buck. I feel useless. I want to go, to do _something_ , but I can't. 

James clenched his jaw. He knew. He knew, all too well, what it was. And it wasn't a nice feeling. He wished he could kiss Steve. He wanted to, he also wanted to hold his hand, to take him on dates, to make him smile, he wanted to be the one who made Steve Rogers happy. But it was forbidden. 

Gross. It was gross, his mother had said when he asked at eleven years old. "Men should only lay with women Jamie. Because two men can't have children and can't marry. Its sinful to have sex out of marriage."

Bucky had at least tried to respect half of this. He had out of marriage sex, no had tried to. But it just proved to him girls weren't his thing and he had been useless, resuming to make out session he didn't liked.

But Steve, he knew nothing of all of this. He shouldn't. Bucky wouldn't spread the stain of sin to his best friend. He would keep his feelings locked up and go to the front.

So he took Steve by the shoulders and bought him another soda, trying not to think about his departure at dawn.


	4. New game

There had never been a second in Samuel Thomas Wilson's life he'd believe it. But he knew that face too well blue eyes and blonde hair. He had seen it everywhere all his childhood. The man who outran him three times couldn't be Captain America. Yet there was not a single doubt in his mind. 

His cheeks heated at the thought of Bucky Barnes. Teenage Sam had the biggest crush on him and meeting Captain America was. . . Awkward. When they stopped, exchanged a few puns, Sam realised it was a one time chance. 

\- I uh, I have this group talk. 

Befriending Captain America seemed less fun when Steven Rogers arrived at his door with a redhead. They looked like hell and of course he invited them in. But talking about Riley and the Falcon project. . . Oddly, it didn't hurt as much. Sure, it's been five years now. But Sam couldn't believe it. He wasn't sad about Riley. He was actually glad he had known him. Loved him. He had shared his life with this incredible man, and yes he was gone but they had been happy. Maybe Sam could allow himself to be. 

Erratic. Panicked. Mind-Blown. Sam blinked in surprise. 

\- The crazy killing machine is who?

-Bucky Barnes. My best friend. 

Sam bit his lip harshly. Now he could feel a bit less guilty about finding the man who ripped out his stirring wheel out extremely hot. The memory came back in flashes. Piercing Blue eyes sharpened by black camouflage face paint. Long hair flowing with his swift moves. . . 

-Can you help me find him?


	5. What game are you playing ?

What the hell? What does he do now? Sam continued pacing in front of the warehouse. He caught Bucky Barnes. The Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Sam cursed and shot in a rock. He tried not to think too much as he stared at the man through a broken window. He looked so small curled up against the giant magnet. Sam found himself worrying it might hurt. 

He went back inside with a water bottle and a sandwhich. He out the later within reach of the man and proceeded to give him the bottle after opening it. The man choked himself a bit as he drank too fast and Sam cursed, trying to avoid too much water from leaking.

Even close, Bucky didn't seemed really tall. No. Don't. Too late Sam had carved in his mind the image of Barnes being his little spoon and wearing his too large hoodies. Teenage crush sucked.

-Listen, I'm not with Hydra or anything. I'm friend with Steve.

-Steve?

Sam nodded and the blue eyes read his face searching for the truth.

\- He has friends?

-Surprising, i know.

The man let out a small huff and his lips bowed into a short smile before he straightened. 

-And what do you want from me?

Sam swallowed. His teenage self would...who was he kidding, his adult self went mad at the possibilities. 

\- I care about him, I want to help him.

A sad smirk appeared on Bucky's face. 

\- Steve Rogers is a dangerous man to care about. 

Sam's eyes widened at the implication. Surely the man couldn't mean . . . He got no time to overthink it as he heard Steve's car in the alley.


	6. Hide and Seek

Bucky's heart broke a bit when Steve mentioned Tony Stark. Not because of the memory of Howard, their friend. But because he had been _dating Steve_. Tony and Steve had been dating. And it had been a long and loving relationship. But the philanthropist was now enjoying his engagement with his redheaded girlfriend and Steve was sad. Steve was attracted to men too.

Steve still had feelings for Tony, yet he ruined everything for him. And just when he started to believe he might have a chance with him, Bucky found himself stuck. Literally. 

-Can you move your seat ? 

-No.

Bucky kind of liked Sam, but right now he could have shove him in the concrete wall just for breathing too hard. Or just because his heart broke once more as the blonde woman kissed Steven.

* * *

Sam could feel Bucky tense behind him as Steve and Sharon kissed. Not moving his seat had not be enough to avoid the sight to the blue eyed brunette. They both played it cool, like good friends. But he knew. How would he had reacted had it been Riley and someone else?

Murder. Sam would straight out murder a man who might have kissed Riley. He smiled sadly. No. He would have make the same face as Bucky. A warm smile and hide his pain by dying inside. That's what happens when you love too much.

Sam felt bad for Bucky. He would have hugged him. But that would have been both dangerous and stupid as it implied Sam shared a bond with him. They didn't. 

It's right here and at this very moment Samuel Thomas Wilson decided he would befriend the Winter Soldier.


	7. Wakanda game is this anyway?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No I won't excuse this joke

Bucky wasn't jealous. At all. Okay he was. Very much. If Steven was hidding, Sam often came to visit him in Wakanda. He had gotten to know both T'challa and Shuri well. Maybe too well. 

The king devoured Sam with hungry looks every two minutes and if he had two arms Bucky would have punched him. Shuri cleared her throat just so Bucky looked at her.

\- Sorry, Sergeant Barnes, but if you don't move your ass my brother is gonna get your prey.

Bucky coughed-choked at the implication. 

-I don't know what you're talking about. 

The princess rolled her eyes. 

\- Yes you do! That Wilson guy, you like him. So go get him before my brother does. 

Indeed Bucky sighted T'challa's fingers linger on Sam's hand as he offered him a drink. He closed his eyes. He couldn't do that. He shouldn't be like that. Part of him was ashamed that he was interested in a man, but worse was it was a black man. Bucky had always found it stupid back in the forties that skin color could be a problem and he knew things had changed. Yet in his mind resonated his mother's words. He was a monster. 

He knew Sam loved men, only men. He had never thought of him as a monster though. And he had seen couples of different skin color in the streets. No one had been rude over them. He had seen couples of men and no one had been rude to them. 

Bucky was lost. He knew it was okay. But when he grew up it wasn't. And now he was confused. Because the very sight of Sam made all of this unimportant. His smiled and adorable teeth gap, the way his brown eyes shone, and his gait, confident and relaxed. 

The sigh he let out was pitiful. Because Sam wasn't looking at him. He was looking at T'Challa. Bucky chewed his cheek. Maybe that's what karma reserved him for believing what his mother had once said. Perhaps he was cursed to love men who didn't returned his feelings. 

Shuri hit his shoulder with her fist, it didn't hurt. Not as much as Sam leaving with T'challa. 

\- What are you doing?! 

He shrugged.

\- He deserves someone good for him. Someone worthy. 


	8. Do you wanna play?

Sam coughed to signal his presence to Bucky. He didn't really knew what to say. The man turned, wearing wakandian robes and holding a stick in his hand to keep his goats. One of them approached him and Sam smiled at it.

-Hello, you. 

The goat ram its head in Sam's shins.

-GAH FUCK YOU TOO!

Bucky scolded the goat and helped Sam sit down on a small wooden stool. 

-Sorry, his name is Steve, he's a bit of an ass.

Sam smiled at the softness of Bucky's voice.

\- I'll understand, you know. If. . .if you don't want to fight. 

Bucky closed his eyes and Sam continued.

-You fought enough. It would make sense. 

Bucky nodded and let his hand on Sam's arm trail to his hand. 

\- I don't mind fighting. I just wish. . . I just wish I could. . .

He clicked his tongue and leaned in to kiss Sam. When he realised what he had done he froze. But to his surprise Sam pulled him closer, kissed him deeper. Bucky felt a tear roll down his cheek and he let out a breath as Sam let him go. 

A terrible weight disappeared from his shoulders. He had kissed a man. Sam. He had kissed Sam. Sam was the first man he kissed. Just this knowledge made it all okay. 

The Falcon smiled and kissed his forehead.

-It's okay. It's doesn't mean anything. 

Bucky pushed Sam's hands away. 

\- it doesn't mean anything to you?

Sam pulled him closer.

\- It means the world to me. But if you're not ready, if you're scare, I can wait. We don't have to rush. We have all the time we need.

When Sam felt the wave of energy hit him he called for Bucky. He saw people turn to actual dust. No. No this couldn't be happening. Sam saw his own finger disappear. He closed his eyes and whatever happened he wish he'd find Bucky again.


	9. Come and Play and never leave

Sam was alive. He was alive and so was Bucky. He rushed to the man still laying in the leaves between the trees. The soldier sat up and kissed him at once. 

-I'm here James. I'm here. 

-We're alright? Oh God we're alright. No one should die a ninety five years old virgin. 

Sam stared at him and kissed him again. 

-We'll take care of that later. Steve needs us. 

When Steve returned after placing back the stones he looked happy. Bucky had wondered if Steve had at any moment wished to go back and live with Tony. But it always ended the same wouldn't it? Bucky wished he could have befriended him, make himself worthy of his forgiveness. 

So Steve came back and Natasha ran to him. He would be happy. Moments later Steve gave Sam the shield. And it kind of changed everything. 

-You know, when I was a teenager, I had the biggest crush on Captain America's sidekick. What was his name again? 

Bucky laughed as he cuddled closer to the naked man in his bed.

\- Well, I always had a crush on Captain America so I feel you. 

Sam chuckled and kissed his forehead. 

\- it was. . .ten years ago, and I was so down I thought I'll never feel happy again. So thank you James. 

-What for?

Sam kissed his husband softly.

\- For proving me wrong.


End file.
